L=Letting go, Learning
As I learn what the true meaning of LIMBO is and dissect the tragedy that got me there, the more I realize I have a lot to learn. I thought I was always good at letting things go, looking inward and not forming illusions to my reality. But I guess, I was never faced with a situation this tough? One that would test who I am and what I believed in all together. I thought my marriage was one way but it was another. I thought I was always able to let go of things easily but I still hope for my husband to come back to me. And I thought I was realistic about things but now I fantasize about my marriage being what I wish it would be. So...I guess I never knew my self at all or I thought I knew everything when I didn't? But is it delusional to hope? When does hope become unrealistic? I watched an episode of Oprahs' Super Soul Sunday with Marianne Williamson and she said "we are either moving towards fear or towards love. Enlightenment is not a learning it's an unlearning". Unlearning what we are holding onto and to get back to being free spirited as a child. Enlightenment means we are free from fear. I realized my actions in my marriage were all operated in fear. Fear that my husband would stop loving me and leave me. So I held on so tight that I smothered him and he actually did leave.
Over the summer I found out someone very close to me was doing drugs and was institutionalized for a short time. All my fears became reality. I feared that he would continue to get into trouble and I devised a plan for him to go away to see a friend. This friend was in trouble himself but I knew in my heart that it would work. Or I just wanted it to work. Instead of letting go and letting God I felt like I had to do something even though I knew it wouldn't be the best environment for my loved one. But this friend didn't feel like it was a good idea for him to come and this person I really care about was upset. Now I fear that I ruined a friendship. I fear that I haven't been a good wife, or friend or sibling or daughter or teacher or writer or human being! I know, I know, I'm NOT excusing other peoples actions but I'm aware of my reactions to other people based on fear. That fear, I now realized caused me to make decisions that in turn made things worst. I need to let go. Let go of the need to fix things. The fear of not being able to fix things. On that Oprah show Marianne Williamson also said "If I'm not happy that means I'm looking at something incorrectly". You're not happy if you're believing in the fear (illusions) of the world. The world tells us what we need to do or how we need to be inorder to be happy. To be happy you need inner peace. Success is inner peace. God is inner peace. Circumstances don't make you unhappy its your fear perception of circumstances that causes unhappiness. I'm back and forth with being unhappy with moments of inner peace. I need to hold on to that moment and live it everyday. That means I'm living in fear and it has to stop if I need to be where God wants me to be. This time I have in the desert is for me to look inward and practice what I have forgotten as a child. To unlearn what I have learned through the experiences of my life or what was passed on from influences in my family upbringing. I need to let go of illusions that are brought on by fear. I need to realize that it's okay if I can't fix it, I don't have to fix it. Huh...I have a lot of work to do.