Saturday, October 20, 2012

F**K You!

Sunrise over Abu Dhabi City

L=Letting go
I=Inward, Illusions
M=Me, Myself
Yes it means what you think.  The two asterisk in the above title is not replacing letters that are intended to spell FORK.  Yes, it is F**K you! Yeah I said it! For all my fellow Christians out there, I apologize but this is what I'm thinking and shouting off the top of my lungs.  You know you've been there before and some times as, unchristian as it may sound, F**K YOU are the only words that fit! I just had it!  I can't take it anymore and I'm angry as hell!  I was just thinking again about my lawyers calling me about a week and a half ago saying the divorce papers were signed and I'm just pissed! All the nights I spent, even to this day thinking about him, calling him, and treating him with respect, being truthful and devoted.  This is the thanks I get!?  He's on my mind constantly and I'm thinking "What the F**K!"  He never called during our split.  If  we spoke it was because I called him and then he never had anything much to say.  Hell, he sometimes ignored my phone calls and responded a month later! His family and friends that I loved dearly don't even call.  My husband didn't even try to work out any issues and he didn't even have the guts to file the divorce papers himself!!  I did it because he, apparently doesn't respect me like I thought he did.  You owe me at least a clean break without stringing me along, right!?  Why the hell is he always on my mind when obviously he's not and haven't been thinking about me for, I guess throughout the last two years of our marriage.  I can't believe this!  It's so unfair!  And to that I say F**K YOU!   F**K YOU for breaking your vows.  F**K YOU for making me feel like S**T when I wanted to spend time with you. F**K YOU for not introducing me to certain rich people because you were ashamed of me.  Just, F**K YOU!  There...I got it all out.  After all this time I've been longing for us to get back together and now, I'm just so angry at him. And still he's on my mind. And he's probably not giving me a second thought.  Huh...he can't win. He can't win by taking over my thoughts every day.  I have to win by moving forward and letting go, taking care of me and reaching my goals, dreams and aspirations.  This to me is like seeing the sun rise behind you through your side view mirrors.  There were some really great memories that we had together and I can still see them through my side view mirrors as I move forward.  But soon the sun will be in front of me instead of behind me.  And it will be just as bright and beautiful.  So I will keep moving forward. It's all about ME now. And on that note I say...F**K YOU!!

Friday, October 12, 2012


I check my voice mail from NYC and had a message from my lawyer.  While I was back in the states this summer I filled for divorce.  I don't know what impulsed me to do it?  Not sure if it was a mistake?  But what I do know is that I was tired of waiting.  I was tired of my husband not giving me any answers and having me sit around and wait without him so much as even calling me.  So I did it. The message in my voicemail was from the secretary who wanted me to call her back.  So I called via skype a bit anxious to hear what she would say.   Was there trouble in the divorce proceedings?  Did he not sign as I thought he did or did he change his mind?  When I was called the secretary was very animated.  She said "I have some great news!  Your divorce was signed by a judge, its finalized"! "" was my response still confused.  "Congratulations"! she said.  "I thought it was suppose to take 6 to 8 months"?  "Yes" she said "You got lucky"!   I didn't see any reason to celebrate.  In the back of my mind I was hoping my husband didn't want the divorce and stopped the proceedings.  I was hoping it did take 6 to 8 months and that would give him some time, or just give me some time to think it through.  So I'm divorce in two months from filing? That's it?  My marriage is officially over by writing a check, signing a paper and 7 years is erased?  Is this worth celebrating?  I try to push my emotions  aside while I decide how I truly feel. So i tried not to think about it.  After all I am sick with the flu and I just need to rest. As Scarlett said in Gone With The Wind "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow".
The next day I went to one of the other teachers apartment for tea and coffee with other fellow teachers.  I walk in to them saying "Hey! We were just talking about our weddings"!  Is this a joke?!! A sick, mean, hurtful joke!!!  Granted they have no idea the state of my marriage or that I filed for divorce or that my lawyer called yesterday and told me it was finalized. And here I go walking into a trap!  They're all divorcees living their second season of  life and maybe it was an opportunity for me to open up to them?  Or just listen to their stories?  But I felt like this mere coincidence was a cruel game.  And when they asked me about my marriage I gave little information as possible.  So I mostly listened.  I don't know what to make of it? I don't know what to make of anything anymore?  Just when I think I got it together the wind blows and picks up the grains of sand in my life and throws it in my face!  The desert is starting to feel like one big never ending sandstorm.