Monday, December 10, 2012's always complicated.

I always feel bad after I get off the phone with my mother.  Our relationship has never been the best but she tries; I try.  It's not the typical mother daughter just don't get along scenario.  It's more of the, as a kid we never got the warm nurturing mother but the hard working two jobs mother.  Now do you understand. We never had the could talk to you about anything mother we had the do what I say and that's it mother.  We never had the mother giving hugs, saying  I love you and tuck you in at nigh mothert. We had the no affection, never said I love you and never home because she's at work mother.  And now as an adult, I feel her trying to reach out.  I hear her say I love you and I see her making efforts to bring us close and i ignore it.  Although I love and respect my mother dearly, I find it very,very difficult to open up to her and let her in.   It's very foreign to me and almost feels unnatural!  That's weird right?  As a kid I longed for the closeness of families I see on TV and even my friends families who had the luxury of  that life.  But now, as an adult when my mother tries to reach out to me I kind of cringe and I hate that!    I don't talk to her about anything.  Even when the separation happened with my ex husband I waited until the last minute to tell her about it.  I cried many of nights to myself, with friends, to God, but not to my mother.  I didn't even want her to see me cry over him.  In fact when she tries to bring him up I change the subject and if she tries to push it I go off on her like a mad lady!   And I ask myself over and over again why?  Why can't I open up to her?  Maybe its because of my childhood?  Maybe it's because she talks so negatively about all men-meaning my father mostly- that she can't have a regular relationship conversation? Maybe it's because when I talk o her I feel like she never hears me? Maybe it's because I'm really just a lost little girl inside who had to do everything on her own and is secretly resentful?!  Then I end up feeling bad that I'm thousands of miles away from NYC living in Abu Dhabi and our phone conversations are vague, shallow and last only ten minutes.  The distants physically and emotionally taunts me. I mean at least  I'm the only one of her daughters who has not shunned her like the unwanted step mother.  But the distance is still there.  I don't know how to change it and open up to her.  I guess I just have to do it?  Just start with something that I know will irritate me when I talk to her about it because I can almost predict her response and then I'm pissed and...okay calm down. Okay, I guess the first step is try not to get pissed.