L = letting go
I = inward, illusions
M= me, myself, middle
Being back in NYC for about two months now, I have managed to gain 5 additional pounds to the 10 pounds I gained living in Abu Dhabi. I know, that's 15 altogether!! Not only that, but my face has been breaking out like crazy! I'm guessing it's my body finally releasing all the hormones in my system from the birth control pills. I stopped taking them for a year now. They kept my skin under control. Now it's back to the high school face and covering it with make up. Ugh...
What rings in my head though was what everyone kept saying to me when I was married to my ex; "You're only in shape because your husbands a trainer". What? As if he trained me? Or that I was trying to keep up with him? I grew up as a chunky kid, always teased for my weight, so as an adult I'm very conscience of my weight and work hard to keep it down. No one carried that when I met my ex it was at a boxing gym where I was exercising for two years before I even met him. And when I met him I was already in shape and lost the intended 15 pounds! Do I get no credit for my efforts and hard work?! Why do people take it away from me and project it onto someone else? Why does he get credit for my accomplishments? It makes me fume! Huh...but now I'm back up in weight and hate to think that maybe they were right?
I haven't been jogging like I did in the past to keep my weight down. I don't live in the best neighborhoods right now so outside jogging is out of the question. I've been doing a few of my insanity videos but I haven't seen any result. Of course, I'm sure my newly acquired bad eating habits have a lot to do with it. I can partly blame this for my acne break outs although the only thing that ever seemed to regulate it was birth control pills. Well..now I'm on a quest to gain back my body mentally and physically!
I came to realize that part of being in LIMBO was not just actually being in the desert. It's my mental and physical "Being". It's what I think of my self and project onto myself mentally, physically and spiritually. It followsyou where ever you go. Right now my weight gain definitely shows in my body how I feel mentally and spiritually.
I'm aware of my current limbo state in the form of self abuse of my body; my being. I feel lost again and I have been binge eating. I guess the good part is that I'm aware. Don't worry I'm not throwing up but I'm causing damage none the less. When I'm depressed its what I do. I'm no worse than an alcoholic or drug addict. We just use different things to numb our selves. But, this must stop before it leads to health issues and a large amount of weight gain. Like I said, I'm already 15 pounds heavier. This follows an endless cycle of guilt and shame. Illogical I know, but we all do it in one way or another-especially us women. Today the guilt and shame stops!! I'm on a quest to repair the mental and physical abuse I inflict on myself.
So here is my plan...
1)To read my bible and meditate daily. I will spend at least ten minutes in the morning reaffirming my self with positive affirmations on body image, my asspirations, and eating healthy.
2) I will exercises daily. I decided that for now I will do more tranquil exercises combining at home Pilate's videos and attending Bikram yoga. I find that after I do these exercises I feel more centered. I think that's what I need right now instead of the high impact ones. Bikram Yoga is rigorous and hard in a 100 degree room (not for everyone!) I feel motivated after it'sdone. I will return to jogging soon but first I need to align myself mentally, physically and spiritually.
3) Eat more healthy foods. Notice I didn't say all healthy foods because I want to be realistic. There will be a time I want a cookie or some chips or whatever. I don't want to deprive myself but I don't want to over indulge either. My healthy eating habits should dominate my weeks and not the other way around. Also I plan to take my time when eating to savor every bite. And last, stop eating right before bed. This is such a bad habit of mine. But it ends today!
I will keep you posted! Wish me luck!