Friday, September 28, 2012

Learning to Let go and Let God...

L=Letting go, Learning

As I learn what the true meaning of LIMBO is and dissect the tragedy that got me there, the more I realize I have a lot to learn. I thought I was always good at letting things go, looking inward and not forming illusions to my reality. But I guess, I was never faced with a situation this tough? One that would test who I am and what I believed in all together. I thought my marriage was one way but it was another. I thought I was always able to let go of things easily but I still hope for my husband to come back to me. And I thought I was realistic about things but now I fantasize about my marriage being what I wish it would be. So...I guess I never knew my self at all or I thought I knew everything when I didn't? But is it delusional to hope? When does hope become unrealistic? I watched an episode of Oprahs' Super Soul Sunday with Marianne Williamson and she said "we are either moving towards fear or towards love. Enlightenment is not a learning it's an unlearning". Unlearning what we are holding onto and to get back to being free spirited as a child. Enlightenment means we are free from fear. I realized my actions in my marriage were all operated in fear. Fear that my husband would stop loving me and leave me. So I held on so tight that I smothered him and he actually did leave.
  Over the summer I found out someone very close to me was doing drugs and was institutionalized for a short time. All my fears became reality. I feared that he would continue to get into trouble and I devised a plan for him to go away to see a friend. This friend was in trouble himself but I knew in my heart that it would work. Or I just wanted it to work. Instead of letting go and letting God I felt like I had to do something even though I knew it wouldn't be the best environment for my loved one. But this friend didn't feel like it was a good idea for him to come and this person I really care about was upset. Now I fear that I ruined a friendship. I fear that I haven't been a good wife, or friend or sibling or daughter or teacher or writer or human being! I know, I know, I'm NOT excusing other peoples actions but I'm aware of my reactions to other people based on fear. That fear, I now realized caused me to make decisions that in turn made things worst. I need to let go. Let go of the need to fix things. The fear of not being able to fix things. On that Oprah show Marianne Williamson also said "If I'm not happy that means I'm looking at something incorrectly". You're not happy if you're believing in the fear (illusions) of the world. The world tells us what we need to do or how we need to be inorder to be happy. To be happy you need inner peace. Success is inner peace. God is inner peace. Circumstances don't make you unhappy its your fear perception of circumstances that causes unhappiness. I'm back and forth with being unhappy with moments of inner peace. I need to hold on to that moment and live it everyday. That means I'm living in fear and it has to stop if I need to be where God wants me to be. This time I have in the desert is for me to look inward and practice what I have forgotten as a child. To unlearn what I have learned through the experiences of my life or what was passed on from influences in my family upbringing. I need to let go of illusions that are brought on by fear. I need to realize that it's okay if I can't fix it, I don't have to fix it. Huh...I have a lot of work to do.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Seeing Past the Fog

Woke up the other morning to go to work with my carpool. We head out at our usual time of 6am only to turn around back to our villas.  FOG.  Nothing but fog once we reached the first round about. The sand dunes, camels and road signs are only visible 6feet in front of you, to your left and to your right. Cars are seen a few seconds ahead which makes it dangerous for driving.  The fog plays tricks on your eyes the longer you drive in it.  You begin to see phantom cars when there is none;or is there?  At first we debated whether we should try to creep to work at a snails pace and decided to turn around. Our teaching jobs are important but our lives are worth more.   We realized that we just have to wait it out.  Wait until visibility was better or completely clear.   I have to remember to do that when it comes to my marriage and my life.  I struggle seeing past the fog of what is, was or what could have been.  I have to remember that's why I'm here in Abu Dhabi in the first place.  An unexpected cloud of fog has engulfed my life when my husband walked out the door and now I can't see clearly.  I have to remind myself that its okay to wait it out. Its okay to give myself time until my road becomes clear before I move forward.  And I'm reminded of 2Peter 3verse 9 in the bible "The lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some may understand slowness.  He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance". I get it.  And I know me.  I sometimes move to quickly without thinking and that has its advantages but it can also be detrimental to me in the long run if I'm not careful. Sometimes I just want things to be fixed right away. I want to see what's on the other side of the fog before it clears.  I just want to get where I'm suppose to be already!! I want all these horrible feelings of sadness to go away. I know there's something great I'm being prepared for in my life but does it have to take so long?  I know, I hasn't been that long but it feels like torture. Huh...I just have to stop, pray, listen and look for the signs.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Bitter Sweet Journey

Limbo: L=Letting go
Today one of my colleagues told me that her ex husband emailed her today and told her that he and his new wife are expecting a BABY!  My colleague has been divorced for about five years and she and her ex husband or now friends;acquaintances.  They're cordial to each other even though there's been hurt feelings during this divorce.  They've both moved on and wish each other well.  But I asked her "How does that make you feel"?  Knowing very well what her answer would be.  I know her answer because I know mine.  I almost cried for her on that long desert road to work the minute she said BABY. Our situations are very different and their marital break up doesn't mirror mine.  But it doesn't erase the connections or the hopes and dreams that come with loving someone completely-at least at one point.  And when the marriage ends or is ending or on a steep roller coaster; the  unfulfilled expectations is...bitter sweet.  You can see the road ahead of you filled with new beginnings and reached goals but the past still shows its face in unexpected ways.   My colleagues response was "I don't know how I feel"?  My colleague who has no regrets about her choice, initiated the divorce. Her and her ex husband have no children together for complicated reasons.  My husband and I don't either.  But we never tried.  And we may never get the chance.   So...I know if I heard the same news from my husband I would be a mess.  The thought devastates me knowing that he walked out the door, has no real communication with me for almost two years and one of my hopes; to have a baby with him is, well, might never happen.  You see after many incidences in our marriage I realize that my husband didn't want to have a baby with me. Or he changed his mind at one point.  Who really knows? And my desires to have a baby with him doesn't matter anymore.  We're separated now.  My love for him is still the same. My feelings may change in the future but the past doesn't. The feelings towards someone never truly goes away. It lingers. It just evolves in to something else. I guess? So my heart aches for my colleague and it aches at the thought of those same words being told to me.  All I keep thinking is "I should of had his baby.  It could have been me.  Its suppose to be me."  And I know to some degree, my colleague thinks the same way.  A little part of me becomes sad when I see a baby pass by and I know she does too.  But I guess what she has to do now is; just let it go?  Find a place of peace with it.  Grieve for the miracle they could not share together and let other miracles come into her life that is filled with many blessings.  I guess, I need to do the same?  I'm not sure how though since mentally, spiritually, physically and in my marriage, I'm still in Limbo?...

Monday, September 17, 2012

Limbo: A place of reflecting

I've been in Abu Dhabi for two weeks now. I returned after my summer vacation in NYC with my family. This is not my first time here. It's actually my second year teaching in Abu Dhabi. Last year I came here to basically clear my mind. To get away from what felt like and still feels like a life that I wasn't really living. I mean it was me, in my body, being a wife , sister and friend. I thought it was perfect even with all its flaws. And then the title of wife was involuntary taken away from me. My husband sits me down one day and tells me he doesn't love me anymore. After seven years this is what I hear. Then everything became, surreal. Like a dream. Nothing felt real and still feels unbelievable to me. God I'm not paranoid or delusional, I understand what has happened and the demise of my marriage. I'm aware of the tragedy that my life now reflects. But still, I'm in shock. My whole world has been shattered to mere shards of images of a life I thought I knew but now know I didn't. And here I am. In Limbo. Literally! Being in the desert of Abu Dhabi is not all the glitz and glam of the TV commercials. Here, where I am reflects the isolation and confusion in my mind and in my surrounding. Nothing but vast hills of orange and tan colored sand dunes into the horizon mixed in with the new and old culture. A mixture of beauty and rubble. A mixture of two worlds battling for existence. A mixture of my memories of my husband and him walking out the door. Only one will win. They can't both exist peacefully without a fight. Right? Iyanla Vanzant calls this place "The Valley". A place where change is happening whether you want it or not. A place where the rug was pulled from underneath you and you feel like your world is falling apart. A place so deep you feel like you can't stop sinking. You're trying to breathe and make sense of it all. Here in the desert, the other teachers I call it Limbo. Everyone here seems to be waiting to transition to something or somewhere better or to be better. Well, almost everyone. There are answers here in Limbo and lessons I have to learn. Is it bad if you don't want to learn it? You just want your husband back?