Tuesday, September 18, 2012

A Bitter Sweet Journey

Limbo: L=Letting go
Today one of my colleagues told me that her ex husband emailed her today and told her that he and his new wife are expecting a BABY!  My colleague has been divorced for about five years and she and her ex husband or now friends;acquaintances.  They're cordial to each other even though there's been hurt feelings during this divorce.  They've both moved on and wish each other well.  But I asked her "How does that make you feel"?  Knowing very well what her answer would be.  I know her answer because I know mine.  I almost cried for her on that long desert road to work the minute she said BABY. Our situations are very different and their marital break up doesn't mirror mine.  But it doesn't erase the connections or the hopes and dreams that come with loving someone completely-at least at one point.  And when the marriage ends or is ending or on a steep roller coaster; the  unfulfilled expectations is...bitter sweet.  You can see the road ahead of you filled with new beginnings and reached goals but the past still shows its face in unexpected ways.   My colleagues response was "I don't know how I feel"?  My colleague who has no regrets about her choice, initiated the divorce. Her and her ex husband have no children together for complicated reasons.  My husband and I don't either.  But we never tried.  And we may never get the chance.   So...I know if I heard the same news from my husband I would be a mess.  The thought devastates me knowing that he walked out the door, has no real communication with me for almost two years and one of my hopes; to have a baby with him is, well, might never happen.  You see after many incidences in our marriage I realize that my husband didn't want to have a baby with me. Or he changed his mind at one point.  Who really knows? And my desires to have a baby with him doesn't matter anymore.  We're separated now.  My love for him is still the same. My feelings may change in the future but the past doesn't. The feelings towards someone never truly goes away. It lingers. It just evolves in to something else. I guess? So my heart aches for my colleague and it aches at the thought of those same words being told to me.  All I keep thinking is "I should of had his baby.  It could have been me.  Its suppose to be me."  And I know to some degree, my colleague thinks the same way.  A little part of me becomes sad when I see a baby pass by and I know she does too.  But I guess what she has to do now is; just let it go?  Find a place of peace with it.  Grieve for the miracle they could not share together and let other miracles come into her life that is filled with many blessings.  I guess, I need to do the same?  I'm not sure how though since mentally, spiritually, physically and in my marriage, I'm still in Limbo?...

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