I check my voice mail from NYC and had a message from my lawyer. While I was back in the states this summer I filled for divorce. I don't know what impulsed me to do it? Not sure if it was a mistake? But what I do know is that I was tired of waiting. I was tired of my husband not giving me any answers and having me sit around and wait without him so much as even calling me. So I did it. The message in my voicemail was from the secretary who wanted me to call her back. So I called via skype a bit anxious to hear what she would say. Was there trouble in the divorce proceedings? Did he not sign as I thought he did or did he change his mind? When I was called the secretary was very animated. She said "I have some great news! Your divorce was signed by a judge, its finalized"! "Oh...wow" was my response still confused. "Congratulations"! she said. "I thought it was suppose to take 6 to 8 months"? "Yes" she said "You got lucky"! I didn't see any reason to celebrate. In the back of my mind I was hoping my husband didn't want the divorce and stopped the proceedings. I was hoping it did take 6 to 8 months and that would give him some time, or just give me some time to think it through. So I'm divorce in two months from filing? That's it? My marriage is officially over by writing a check, signing a paper and 7 years is erased? Is this worth celebrating? I try to push my emotions aside while I decide how I truly feel. So i tried not to think about it. After all I am sick with the flu and I just need to rest. As Scarlett said in Gone With The Wind "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow".
The next day I went to one of the other teachers apartment for tea and coffee with other fellow teachers. I walk in to them saying "Hey! We were just talking about our weddings"! Is this a joke?!! A sick, mean, hurtful joke!!! Granted they have no idea the state of my marriage or that I filed for divorce or that my lawyer called yesterday and told me it was finalized. And here I go walking into a trap! They're all divorcees living their second season of life and maybe it was an opportunity for me to open up to them? Or just listen to their stories? But I felt like this mere coincidence was a cruel game. And when they asked me about my marriage I gave little information as possible. So I mostly listened. I don't know what to make of it? I don't know what to make of anything anymore? Just when I think I got it together the wind blows and picks up the grains of sand in my life and throws it in my face! The desert is starting to feel like one big never ending sandstorm.