Friday, November 16, 2012

Stuck in the middle.

L=Letting go
I=Inward, Illusions
M=Me, Myself, Middle
O=? seems again I get thrown into my role as the middle child.  I was going for a walk with one of my friends in the park and we were talking about things that we realized we needed to change.  We both ended relationships and have learned a lot about ourselves as a result.  Mistakes that were made and our roles with our loved ones.  Of course I have a list of mistakes and patterns that played a big part in my ending marriage-not excusing my ex husband for his behavior in the least!   But this is about me and I'm not perfect.  So I said I would change trying to fix things for others.  Stop trying to think that I can solve other peoples problems or make their situations better,  As a middle child growing up I was born into the role of mediator and peace keeper.  I was left to fix things when I had no idea what was going on.  If something was wrong with my brothers and sisters my parents run to me and tell me to talk to them, see what's going on, guide them in the right direction.'s really exhausting!   I told my friend that in my marriage, I ended up doing just that; trying to fix every little thing and just making a bigger mess.  Thinking that if I did everything my husband wanted me to do I could fix our marriage and it would last.  I thought that I knew the solutions to our drifting apart  and that it was meant for me to fix him and make him feel needed, wanted, strong and capable.  I boost his ego to a fault.  In the midst of trying to make everything right I was just becoming clingy and needy and obsess with my middle child Super Powers and with my husband. Well, my super powers worked against me as you now know.   It work against me when I went home over the summer and tried to help a loved one get back on the right path.  That ended up with me messing up his friendship with someone he was once close to for years.   And here comes my now disability showing it's face in an email from a friend and his girlfriend.  Some major issues between her and him and her venting to me.  To my ears they were a cry for help and a test.  I didn't want to get involved so I prayed about it.  From her email my friend was or is doing some really despicable things that I and he should not be proud of. Their relationship, from all she's told me sounds destructive.  I know there are two sides to a story but how can ignore what she wrote?  I mean I do owe her a response and  I can't pretend I didn' read the email.  And as a Christian I can't condone that kind of behavior from anybody not even my brother.  How do I address her email and stay out of it without her feeling I'm ignoring her, butting in or justifying certain behaviors?  And how can I read this email and not talk to him about it? So after three days of praying I answered her email.  I gave her my sympathy, expressed my opinions in as neutral way as possible and asked her if this is really what she wants?  I also learned somethings about her that made me see the role that she plays in the relationship.  Again this time not excusing my brothers behavior but we all play repeating patterns in our lives.  And I just played mine again as mediator.  At least this time I'm aware I can't fix any ones life and I don't care to try.  That's why I'm in the desert; a middle child in the middle of finding myself and redefining my role in my life.  Limbo as we call it out here.  Just stuck in the middle.

No comments:

Post a Comment